I am in desperate need of help, please stop to read this

Hello everyone, I have a bit of a backstory to this, sorry about that.

As long as I can remember, I’ve had an incredibly abusive mother. Mental, physical, emotional, borderline sexual. She’d beat me until I bleed.

As for the borderline sexual, she would tell me to get naked (as an adult) in front of her in order to order to make me feel humiliated (I think? That’s what I ‘like’ to think was the reason. The thought of there being any other reason behind it makes me sick.). She’d also talk about my body in a perverted way.

She wouldn’t just do these things as a ‘punishment’ or when she’s angry – she would constantly tell me how much she hated me, how ugly I am, how much she hates my skin colour, how I should kill myself, etc. I remember her once telling me that she loves beating me and finds it fun. Her hate for me must come from a problem she has.

I never had a problem with my father in the beginning, but my mother stressed him out and didn’t treat him nicely too. Eventually he started to let the stress from this out on me, and whenever my mother would torment me he’d join in with verbal and mental abuse. Eventually he started saying things like he’d marry me off.

I got so sick of the abuse and so scared of being forced to marry someone that I ran away.

Eventually I got into contact with my parents but I lived away in a different town for university (I came back during the holidays).

The mental and verbal abuse and threats ensued to the point that a few months ago I stopped contacting my mother. I stopped visiting home, against my father’s wishes.

So the two things I have done here is disobey my parents and sever ties with kinship

Recently, I have started researching Islam. I was never interested before and I heavily think it was because of my ‘relationship’ with my parents.

These are things I found on disobeying parents and severing ties of kin:

“Beware! Abstain from angering the parents. The fragrance of Paradise is perceived even at a distance of a thousand years, but those who are disobedient to parents and those who cut off ties with relatives will not be able to smell it.” my mother was always angry at me 24/7. So I’ll never reach paradise?

“One who hurts his parents, hurts me and one who hurts me has hurt Allah. And the one who hurts Allah is accursed.” I’m sure my mother isn’t happy with me cutting contact and my father isn’t happy with me refusing to come home – so this means I’m going to hell?

“Allah will not speak to Three kinds of people on the Day of Qiyāma. Neither will He have mercy upon them, nor will He purify their sins. There is for them a horrible chastisement. The Three types of people are the believers in destiny, the drunkards and those who disobeyed their parents.” So here it says that none of my sins will be forgiven.
Allah Almighty said: {Would you then, if you were given the authority, do mischief in the land, and sever your ties of kinship? Such are they whom Allâh has cursed, so that He has made them deaf and blinded their sight.} [Surat Muhammad 47:22-23]
Those who break Allâh’s Covenant after ratifying it, and sever what Allâh has ordered to be joined (as regards Allâh’s religion of Islâmic Monotheism, and to practise its laws on the earth and also as regards keeping good relations with kith and kin), and do mischief on earth, it is they who are the losers [Surat Al-Baqarah 2:26-27]

To obey my parents, I will have to go back to live with them (the thought of this makes me feel nauseous and I feel like I’m about to have a panic attack). This will make me a subject to all the abuse all over again, and eventually I will have to marry someone I don’t want to. And for those who are going to say that my father cannot make me marry someone I don’t want to – that’s not the point. The point is, if I go back to live with them, I’ll be back into the cycle of manipulation and I’ll feel like I have to go along with it and say yes anyway. I might even end up saying yes just to get out the house, even though it’s not what I really want.

I’ve lost all hope, I feel physically ill. I feel there’s no point in me trying to be a good Muslim or worship Allah, if I’m going to hell for eternity anyway? And if I go back to my parent’s house my life will be over anyway. I kind of already feel like my life is over if I’m going to hell for eternity. What’s the point in doing a degree and trying to sustain myself to go to hell after it all, for all of eternity.

Please help me, I don’t know what to do. And can all advice please be backed up by verses from the quran or hadiths? I don’t want to sound rude but I don’t want people’s opinions.

And if you don’t know what advice to give me but still want to help, please tell me where I can go or who I can talk to who will be knowledgeable to help me with this? Please don’t say something vague like ‘talk to an imam’ because, as I said, I’ haven’t been religious. I have no idea where to find one or how to approach them.

REF: Islamic Parenting

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